There is a hidden war being waged on dads everywhere this Christmas. Thousands of attractively packaged toys, delivered by that sneakiest of moles - Santa Claus - secretly contain Weapons of Patience Annihilation (WPAs).
These cleverly arranged wires and ties and plastic screws serve a sinister purpose - to singlehandedly frustrate and derail patient dads who are trying to unpack holiday presents for their wired, chocolate-addled children.
The twistie ties are particularly insidious. They are a grayish hue but with a degree of transparency such that half of the time you misread the direction of the twist and end up twisting it tighter instead of loosening. Dads with glasses or tired eyes will understand this pitfall especially well.
And when you finally extract an animal or vehicle from its cardboard prison, the item is surprisingly further bound to itself or a little plastic stand use to keep parts from moving or to keep the bold plastic figurine upright. Such unexpected bondage can often result in said figurine being dismembered by a now enraged parent.
Dads across this great nation need to stand up and fight back in this war for “frustration free” toy packaging! My suggestion is to simply throw all that crap in a bucket that can be popped open and dumped on the ground in 20 seconds flat. And, critically, every bucket should come with a microfreezer in the bottom containing an icy, hermetically sealed bottle of beer to reward paternal valor in this most significant of conflicts.